January can be a cold and depressing month in the Midwest. Trying to liven up my workplace during a particularly dark day, I suggested that we plan a "Hawaiian Day". We could put on music, bring in beach foods, pictures of sunny vacations. and have a trivia contest. In the midst of my excitement and during the crescendo of my planning, one of my co-workers looked at me with a sneer and said, "You don't have enough to do--do you?" It was as if I was hit over the head with a conch.
Thus the term, "humordoomer" was created, a definition that evolved from my reflections on this office event. I wrote extensively about this in chapter 4 of my book, Using Humor to Maximize Learning. The title of the chapter is: Hurtful Humor is No Laughing Matter.
"A humordoomer is a person who consistently uses negative
humor to control and
manipulate others. Humorphobia breeds
humordoomers, skilled crafters who use subtle techniques to suppress
humor in the workplace. Humordoomers are usually unhappy individuals stressed
by the dual demands of accountability and limited
time constraints; they’re pessimistic leeches that can suck the humergy right out of
you. Grown in a petri dish of fear and anger, these folks are threatened by joyful energy and
enthusiasm. They often use humor to manipulate others and to maintain a level
of control of their world. Their negative humor reflects their unhappy
immersion in the confining straits of a workaholic world. Often their techniques
are so woven into the fabric of a culture that not only are they unaware of
their own webbing effect, their unsuspecting prey are oblivious as well."
Bullies are often humordoomers. They use humor as a weapon to belittle and make fun of others. There has been a lot written recently about bullying behavior, but not much on how they use negative humor control and manipulate others. Again, this is addressed in my
articles on humor.
"A bullying type of humor can be used to
control what happens in relationships. When making fun of others, bullies are
usually expressing internal fears because they are unable or unwilling to
recognize their own emotional needs. Humor becomes a weapon
of the bully, when used with the intentional purpose of wounding another.
"Bully behavior is
frequently portrayed in the media as an acceptable method to express
frustration, hostility, fears, and anger. The use of mockery and sarcasm allows the venting of
anger. Jokes with the express purpose of making fun of others abound on
television, in movies, and on the Internet. Our fears of difference in culture
have often been expressed in jokes about Italians, Jews, Mexicans, gays, and
religious entities. While often clever, these jokes perpetuate the bully
mindset that it’s okay to make fun of individuals or groups. There is research to suggest that
this type of humor can lead to
violent behavior. "
Think about the humordoomers and bullies in your life. When I facilitate workshops on humor, people are quickly able to identify these people in their lives. I am always asked how to deal with these folks. There are numerous suggestions in my book as shown from this excerpt.
"While difficult to deal with, there are some
strategies that you can use to stimulate humordoomer reform. Attempt to
identify the cause of the negative behavior exhibited by humordoomers and follow this
with suggestions for change. This requires a
loving attitude and skillful communication. (Note: these negative patterns of behavior are usually
hardwired after years of repetition.) The following are strategies to combat
stressed humordoomers (who are fearful and overwhelmed):
‑Kill them with kindness and
understanding. Often people need someone to listen to them and empathize.
‑Identify the strengths in this person and tell them how
much you appreciate this quality in them. It really helps if you have several
staff members doing this.
‑Ask them what they are
going to do to make things better. Encourage any attempts at improvement.
The following are strategies for pessimistic humordoomers (who are
habitually negative):
‑Smile and say “If you tell
me something awful, I need you to tell me three positive things. I just can’t
handle negativity today!”
‑Do the broken record
routine: “So what’s the good news?” Just keep repeating this with a laugh. If
they come up with something positive, cheer and do cartwheels!
And the way to combat angry humordoomers, who are resentful and frustrated with a lack of control in
their life and who are unable to express their feelings in positive ways; is to
recognize that these folks may actually need more help then you are able to
give. If you have the opportunity, suggest that they seek counseling and/or
therapy."
Feel free to share your ideas and techniques for dealing with humordoomers in the comment section below. Personally, I consciously make an effort to try to include more positive people in my life and spend as little time as possible with humordoomers. For more suggestions and ideas on what to do about negative folks, do check out my Humor Quest web site. And join me in continuing to include more laughter and joy in your life!
